LOVE

Do you ever feel like this?  

You know, that moment when nothing seems to be going your way...when all you really want is that peanut butter and jelly sandwich but your mama can't seem to make it fast enough?

Or perhaps like this? 

You know, that moment when your world has just simply gone nuts....and you have too?

Me too.  Sometimes, I feel so frustrated and defeated in my little world as a mama of two little people.  They may be little, but their demands can feel big.  They may be just barely learning about their world, but their discoveries are huge.  They may be the sweetest little things that love to read and snuggle and play trains with their mama....but sometimes mama needs to do laundry, clean the bathroom, do the dishes, vacuum, make dinner, go to work, maintain friendships and relationships, and keep smiling because life is oozing with blessings. 

Sometimes I place so much pressure on myself to arrive at work with a smile on my face, looking fresh and beautiful, with sparkling eyes that are ready to listen and mentor and answer emails and be creative and be oh-so-present....forgetting of course that I just spent the day changing diapers, wiping little noses, kissing boo-boos, teaching little people how to say letters and share toys and cover their mouth when they cough...forgetting that I just read The Lorax for the umpteenth millionth time, so proud of the excitement I maintained each time we snuggled up with their well loved, torn and tattered, favorite book. 

Sometimes I place so much pressure on myself to be the best wife, with dinner ready, house cleaned and my level of patience and delight with my little world still as strong at 5pm as it was at 7am...forgetting of course that these don't matter a single bit to my awesome husband...that all he wants is a happy, healthy wife and happy, healthy kiddos who just spent a day together playing, laughing and learning....forgetting of course that this pressure I feel is mine alone. 

In recent reflections with my beloved CLC (Christian Life Community), I have been able to articulate my need to look good and my FEAR of REALLY being known, flaws and all.  While I'm not one to wear much makeup, or dye my hair or sport all the highest clothing fashions hot off the rack, I NEED to look good.  I need to look like I've got myself together.  I need to look like I'm an awesome mama and an amazing wife with a life fresh out of Pinterest.  I need to look like I'm a rock solid campus minister with an incredible prayer life and a perfect sense of perspective. 

And recently, I fell apart.

The last 2 years have been difficult and beautiful all at once.  You can read more about that HERE: http://slucampusministry.blogspot.com/2013/09/images-of-god.html

I spent the last 2 years LOVING and LOVING and LOVING.  I spent the last 2 years LOVING my husband and our beautiful babies.   I spent the last 2 years LOVING my co-workers and my vocation to ministry and the details of my work.  I spent the last 2 years LOVING my beautiful mama, dad and brothers from 8 hours away.  And if I'm honest, I think I hid behind that love, distracted myself with it. 

And it finally caught up with me.  In my quest for perfection, I busied myself so much loving other people and things, that I forgot to be truly honest, vulnerable, broken.  I forgot to let myself be loved.  I forgot that my honesty, my brokenness, my vulnerability....even THOSE are loveable.  Recently, all of this pressure I put on myself to look good, finally burst and, much to my delight, I found myself surrounded by people so full of love, all saying “YES” to my brokenness....all saying “YES” to the vulnerability I desired to share...all saying “YES” to the raw honesty I finally let spill from my lips...all saying “YES” to the REAL me...the mama, wife, daughter, sister, friend, minister who deconstructed walls and fell apart a little. 

Valentine's Day is the day we celebrate love.  It's the day we do our best to show our love to others.  But.....what if this year, we allow ourselves to be known, to be accepted, to be loved?  What if this year, we discard our masks, deconstruct our walls and stop hiding behind our busyness, our electronics, our need to look good?  What if this year, we stop hiding behind alcohol, sex, food, religion, schoolwork, exercise, politics or whatever we name the walls we put up around ourselves?  What if this year, we have the GUMPTION (one of my favorite words) to say, “I'm ready to be honest with myself”, “I'm ready to be vulnerable”, “I'm ready to be known and loved”? 

Even Jesus, in his own blessed and broken place of vulnerability, allowed Veronica to wipe away his sweat and blood and tears and on his way to the cross.  What if this Valentine's Day, we believe so much in our own belovedness that we are honest about the walls we construct to protect our vulnerability and invite those around us to deconstruct their walls too?  What if this Valentine's Day, we whisper our truth to the God who loves us recklessly and pray for the courage to be loved....for REAL?

Julie McCourt is the campus minister for CLC.